Log in

No account? Create an account

Wed, Feb. 28th, 2007, 08:20 pm

Several of the institutions encompassing my life, which I, perhaps naively, considered permanent, are suddenly turning out to be quite the opposite.

Maybe change is contagious, I'm wishing I had a little in my own life. It's a shame we can't reinvent ourselves without hurting some we love. It's a shame we can't try out such reinventions with the option to go back if it turns out poorly.

Less than a month until I turn 21.

Sun, Feb. 11th, 2007, 06:44 pm

And as a side note, I've managed to make friends with the guy at Subway who's always working when I go in after classes. I've never been a "regular" anywhere before, and it feels really good to be remembered.

Sun, Feb. 11th, 2007, 06:32 pm

I had abandoned this baby for a while, eh?

I'm not sure where I even left off, I can't be bothered to go read old entries. All the medications are working now. I'm the person I was before anything. Maybe even better, now I know to appreciate the contentedness rather than take it for granted. It feels good to tell myself I can't take life too seriously, and know that I really believe it.

I still can't sleep, though, and instead of trying to force myself to fall asleep every night, I've just started making numerous trips to Newport News until 2 in the morning so that when I drag myself out of bed the next morning, I have a real excuse to be tired.

Classes are taking a backseat, unlike last semester when I spent every waking hour playing catch up and still never getting anywhere. I don't think my GPA will suffer too dramatically. I need to participate in my own life.

Fri, Jan. 5th, 2007, 11:53 pm

I'm a few days late for a nostalgic overview of 2006. I'm just surprised it's over already.

I wish I'd opted to take next semester off. I know it's not too late, technically, but it would throw off all my carefully laid plans. For the rest of college, at least. I haven't managed to look past that yet.

The combined efforts of Lexapro and Lamictal (picture Captain-Planet-like mood-altering medications uniting as one to stop the forces of evil) have enabled my brain to quit the constant anxiety. In a somewhat amusing reversal of fortune, it's now increasingly difficult to worry about absolutely anything. Not amusing for some, anyways. The guilt factor is gone, and the biting remarks that have a way of slipping past my brain and out of my mouth, causing hurt feelings and general devastation, no longer bother me. "Wait, what? I pissed you off? I hurt your feelings? Mmmk, well, whatever, I'll think about it later."

The "talk therapy" has highlighted my many shortcomings, extending long past the ones of which I was already aware. I have anger issues. Me. How is that possible? I hear "anger issues," I think Danny Bonaduce raging around on VH1 in a drug- and alcohol-induced rage. But apparently it applies to other definitions. I get unnecessarily mad about things. And then bite my tongue. When I a) shouldn't be getting mad in the first place and/or b) should not hold it inside. Feeling skeptical and not a little overanalyzed, I began paying attention to my anger habits, and was chagrined to discover it is all, indeed, true.

I think, altogether, this will make for an interesting year.

Sun, Dec. 10th, 2006, 11:22 pm

So this morning I'm driving to Richmond to spend some quality Christmas time with my mom's side of the family. And as I'm minding my own business down 64 West, cruising around 85 mph, this old Volvo comes flying by me like a bat out of hell. I grab the phone, not thinking much of it, to call my mom and tell her I'm running a few minutes late. As I'm talking to her, the Volvo, now less than a quarter mile ahead of me in the left lane, starts to drift over, off the left side of the road. I've seen people drift before, they hit the rumble strip and suddenly jerk back over. But this guy keeps drifting, until he drifts slam off into the grass and then hits the guard rail that starts up a few feet later. I hit my brakes and watch in dumbfounded awe as this guy lays on his own brakes, throwing up smoke like a bomb exploded, as he ping pongs back and forth across the road between the two guard rails, all the while also whirling around in circles like a spinning top.

He finally stops, facing the wrong way into incoming traffic, and I pull over next to him. I tell my mom I've got to get off the phone so I can call 911 for this guy. I'll be damned if he didn't, upon seeing me approach, throw his car into reverse and take off like nothing happened. I have no idea how his car was still running, much less able to get right back up to the incredible speed he was going originally, and I'm not entirely sure how he wasn't too injured to drive. I kind of just sat in amazement, and then started back on my way to Richmond.

It was definitely a moment I wish I'd had a video camera, because nobody else would believe he just drove off after that accident.

The family time was good, and then I went home. Took a long nap, spent time with Mom & Dad, and came back. After a little practice time at Ewell, I felt bad for myself and the no drinking imposed upon me by Lexapro, so I went to Food Lion and bought honey and cigarettes. (As a quick aside, I didn't get carded. This darker hair must make me look older.) I came back to the apartment, but realized it was too cold to sit on our balcony and smoke. Saddened by the self-imposed no smoking indoors rule, I pondered not partaking of my cigarettes, but decided to be a rebel instead. I locked my door, opened my window, and tried to push all the smoke outside. It did not work. I then tried to compensate with air freshener. Now it smells like smoky vanilla in here. I left the window open and am now praying Jess won't smell it, because she'd likely have a cow. She never lets Scott smoke in here, so I know I definitely can't do it either.

Geez. This smells really bad.

Fri, Dec. 8th, 2006, 10:11 am

In honor of my new lease on a happy life, I dyed my hair last night. Dark chocolate brown, which on me basically equals black. I'm practically goth, but maybe a little prettier.

Having only taken it twice thus far, I have no idea how the Lexapro is doing. Except that about an hour after I take it, I get so nauseous all I can do is throw in the towel and crawl into bed in misery. Mom says I need to take it with heavier foods, like bread or pasta, and that will ease up the nausea. But who eats pasta at 9:00 pm?

I convinced myself this morning that my 9:00 am Italian class was at 9:30. Luckily, I always leave for my classes ridiculously early, so I strolled in only 15 minutes late. Now all that's left is a voice lesson and a meeting with Konefal about my second major declaration, and I am home free. Don't even have to work tonight. This is the first Blow Out during which I am completely free to drink, and I can't. What irony.

Wed, Dec. 6th, 2006, 01:04 pm

Day one on happy pills!

Ok not technically, I don't take my first until tonight. But I have officially, after many a therapy session and now an Asian psychiatrist to call my own, been diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder. Capital letters for emphasis. And to think I had put all my eggs in the Depression basket.

Now, with Lexapro in hand, I am ready to enter a new, more STABLE, phase of life. Perhaps a little too stable? Alcohol has been strictly forbidden (and yes, I did protest that my one and only twenty-first birthday is in a few short months). Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, drowsiness, and sexual dysfunction. I just may spend the rest of my college career as the most sober, chaste student on campus.

Sun, Nov. 19th, 2006, 05:18 pm

The deodorant and cologne missing from the top of my dresser, the picture taken off my shelf. The refridgerator full of Mountain Dews that I will never drink. The subsequent possessions that I will find in the next few days and put in a pile to be returned eventually. The required modification of Facebook and Myspace and carefully crafted AIM profile. Everything rearranged in minutes, everything that took months to fall into place.

Tue, Nov. 14th, 2006, 06:51 pm

Pleasant surprise today, Anthony was going to be late to his class at Richard Bland, so instead he hopped into 295 and drove all the way to Williamsburg to eat lunch with me. It was exactly what I needed after practically pulling an all-nighter. He filled me in on life back home. It's all moving at a frenetic pace. And I'm so glad I got out of Emporia. That town is a bubble, and not anything like real life. Going back is like getting to take a step out of this world into one that doesn't even exist, where my actions do not matter. Living there, that particular characteristic has its downfall, but for short breaks, it's such a relief.

I'm really behind in all my classes. Behind as in, the two research papers I have due like, now, will not be turned in on time. I can't believe how much work this semester turned out to be. Stupid music research seminar. But it's almost time for Thanksgiving break!!

P.S. I'm forcing myself to go abroad this summer. What do you know about Peru?

skipped back 10