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Mon, Dec. 31st, 2007, 11:19 pm

your life is more boring than mine :)

Sun, Oct. 21st, 2007, 08:39 pm

on second thought, those descriptions render a fair picture of me. something to think about!

Sat, Oct. 6th, 2007, 10:45 pm

This is my straightforward and happy LJ post.

I don't feel like senior year is going by too fast, which is nice, because I don't want to waste one minute. Classes are going well, I have a straight up A- in every class so far, which is not too shabby considering all the work + reading I am NOT doing.

My senior recital is slowly taking shape, and I haven't started to get too stressed yet. I know come spring semester I will be terrified, but that's a bridge I'll cross later.

Torian is 6 months pregnant now, and she decided to use my middle name as her daughter's middle name, which makes me feel pretty special. Caedence Rae Keller! It's crazy seeing her stomach getting rounder and rounder and seeing the grainy black and grey slides of her baby floating around inside her. I've never actually been part of a pregnancy before, I don't even remember anything about my sister in law being pregnant with my niece. It's kind of mind-blowingly miraculous. And I'm so so proud of her for choosing to have this child, I wish there was some non-Lifetime movie way to tell her what an inspiration she is.
I won't lie, there is a part of me that wants to be pregnant and experience everything she is right now, because I've honestly never seen her happier or more excited. But that's not something I can go around saying - I mentioned it to Tyler and he flipped out, as if I was somehow asking him to impregnate me. I don't think college guys take kindly to pregnancy talk. Ah well, my time will come eventually!

My relationship with Jess continues to improve. The weird thing is, she is having problems with Scott now and rather than swooping in and urging her to break up with him (as I would have pictured myself doing), I have pretty much kept my mouth shut and told her to make sure she does what makes her happy. Practically all of her sorority sisters are single and out partying it up like only singles can, and I think she wishes she had that degree of "freedom," but I don't think it's what she REALLY wants. I think it's just what she thinks she wants since she's the only one in a relationship. The grass is greener kind of thing. Anyway, I choose to see that an inch of personal growth.

It's 11 pm on a Saturday night, and I think it's time to go out and about :)

Thu, Sep. 13th, 2007, 08:21 pm

Senior year continues to roll on. I had the rug yanked out from under my feet. I laid, stunned, on my back and stared at the stars. I laid for quite some time, longer than I normally would have allowed myself. Then I stood up, brushed myself off, straightened my clothes and hair, shook hands, and walked away. My manners failed me not, and I gave a parting smile. I won't be a cynic and pronounce this the end, but my energies are best focused elsewhere, I think, for the time being. I can't beat paths for others without neglecting my own.

Life is cyclical, in any case.

Jess and I are better friends, somehow, slowly. Maybe it's because Scott is back at Tech. Maybe it's because Amanda has replaced Richard, and having three girls has brought us collectively closer. Maybe the planets just aligned correctly. The loss of one brings the gain of another.

Old country songs always remind me of awkward middle school dances, where I sat in corners with my braces and glasses and hoped for a Prince Charming. Who, for the record, never showed. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I used to be that girl.

Fri, Aug. 17th, 2007, 03:47 am

I find that I come to (in my mind) my best realizations late at night when I should be sleeping.

Honestly, I have bullshitted (I don't know if that word can be put into past tense) my way through life. Not just halfway. Entirely. I remember nothing of importance. I read books and forget them. I learn new words and forget them. I memorize facts long enough for a test and forget them. I'm not smart, I just pretend to be. Most of my friends don't actually "know" me, and I have a feeling a great deal of them would place me in somewhat of a party-girl, semi-slut bracket in which I absolutely do not fit. And you know why? Because I am full of shit. My words rarely reflect my personality, and most people don't know to take me with a giant grain of salt. Now, I just have to decide whether I'm appalled or delighted by this quality.

I have a few other inchoate thoughts on friendship, the questionability of being in a serious relationship my senior year of college, and people with weak and half-formed personalities, but I'll save those for another night. Inchoate: new word I learned in my 900 Words to Know for the GRE book. Look it up. Along with apposite and pulchritude.

Sun, Jul. 29th, 2007, 11:43 am
Boredom = Boring

I'm in a slump. I'm bored! Or disinterested? Tyler was supposed to come back yesterday, but the alternator in his car died, and thus he can't drive back. Until it gets fixed. Which won't be until Monday, at the earliest. Which means he won't be back here until Tuesday, at the earliest. And I leave Thursday for Lake Gaston with Torian. And by the time I get back from the lake, Tyler will already have flown out to California. Now I have kind of lost interest in talking to him. I think it's just easier that way, I don't miss him as much when we don't talk, and I don't want to wallow in missing him, considering I probably won't see him before I leave and therefore won't see him until the end of August.

In the meantime, I'm stuck in purgatory with Jess + Scott. Today's their two year anniversary. Honestly? Shoot me. I had NO idea she'd be stuck up his ass this long. She swore she'd make time for me this summer, and that Scott wouldn't be here ALL the time. Failure to live up to both these statements? Yes. We have spent time together TWICE. And by time together, I mean we went shopping for a few hours. Lame? Yes. And Scott IS here all the time. He went home for three days, once.

But you know? I'm pretty much over it. I am done feeling bad about the fact that we are no longer friends, merely roommates. I can't change it, she is the one who would have to make changes, and she won't. So there it is. And I wish she WOULD try to hang out with me again as soon as Scott leaves. Because I have the perfect line prepared to throw in her face. yeahhhhh

Incidentally, I hadn't told her I was going to the lake with Torian, I was just going to say I was going home. For some reason I didn't want to make her feel left out? *snort* Why I felt the need to spare her feelings, I do not know. But skuh-rew that. I am all about telling her now.

I don't mean to sound so full of anger. Or angst, at the least. This is all just frustration built up slowly that needed a sudden outlet.

They went to the beach today to "celebrate" the anniversary. It's cloudy outside, and I can't help but get satisfaction out of the fact that it's probably going to rain on them.

Tue, Jul. 17th, 2007, 12:04 pm

My faith has taken several damaging hits. It's becoming a struggle to believe so strongly in something that feels so ineffective. My best friend, whose own faith was part of the inspiration behind my recommitment, became increasingly disillusioned by the near fanaticism being shoved down her throat and has seemingly abandoned her religion. This contributes to my own disillusion and frustration with what appears to be the rampant hypocrisy within the religious community. Why so many interpretations of right and wrong? Why do so many seem to follow only those commandments which are most convenient, labeling the others as perhaps outdated and no longer pertinent to modern times, and therefore not worth following? If our bodies are temples, why is it ok to smoke, or drink, or get tattoos or piercings, or eat too much? Why do some consider it acceptable to smoke, but not drink? To drink, but not smoke? To do neither, but cover their bodies in ink and foreign objects? And why are these activities such controversial topics? They aren't even part of the 10 Commandments; shouldn't Christians concern themselves more with not using the Lord's name in vain, and not lying, and not committing adultery?
And the sex issue is, perhaps, becoming my biggest frustration of all. How can someone say premarital sexual intercourse is wrong, yet find it acceptable to engage in all other sexual acts excluding actual intercourse? I'm positive that when God forbade premarital sex, he didn't include bylaws allowing oral sex. If I want to smoke and drink and get tattoos and have sex, how does this negate my belief that Jesus Christ is my Lord and savior? If I don't want to do those things, how does that somehow make my faith in Jesus "better" than someone who does participate in those activities?

And if these rules are open to such varied interpretations and can be followed or not followed according to what feels "right" to the individual, then what is the point of having the rules at all?

I need guidance. And answers.

Wed, May. 9th, 2007, 10:57 pm
My, my, Livejournal. How I have neglected you!

How did it change from March 9 to April 9 so quickly? My junior year of college = over. Granted, I still have my two incompletes from first semester to finish..... thank God for the neverending patience of some of the professors here.

I would like to present a brief monologue based on my sewing machine adventures.

"A long, long time ago (anybody else want to sing some Don McLean with me? Anyone? No? Ok...), probably in another universe, Ashley, one of the loves of my life, gave me a sweet ass purse. That she had sewn herself. I thought this was a pretty freaking amazing gift. And it inspired me. I, too, wanted to know the mysteries of sewing. I lugged my mom's sewing machine out of a closet and forced her to give me direction. I started small, with a few bags, a scarf, and worked my way up to a legitimate blanket. My mind raced with ideas. That $$$$ shirt I saw in a magazine? Oh yeah, I can make that, no sweat. Then, I took it to the next level. I got my OWN sewing machine. I opened up the box, I read the instructions, I plugged it in, I threaded the top thread and the bobbin, and I placed my foot on the pedal. My wonderful moment of using my own sewing machine was ruined when the needle immediately quit working its up-down magic.
I undid the whole tangled mess of thread and caught fabric, rethreaded everything, and it happened again. Somehow, the top thread was getting wound around the metal parts holding the bobbin in place. Over and over, I threaded and rethreaded. I called my mom, I stomped around the room, I hurled obscenities. To no avail. My sewing machine refuses to work, and sits in a nearby corner on the lovely little table I got just for it, taunting me. Can someone please fix this so my dreams can live again? Otherwise, I can't sew until I go home, when my mom can fiddle with the machine herself and, fingers crossed, make it do what I tell it to do."

That's my monologue. Other than that, I just finished typing a concert report. I have only one more assignment due for Theory, and I am DONE forever with this semester. My cat is curled up on the back of the sofa, behind me, looking completely adorable. I wonder how I lived so long without her. I should get another digital camera, so I can take pictures of her and post them and you can all ooo and ahhhh over her.

Fri, Mar. 9th, 2007, 12:09 am

My life is, momentarily, in order. Though I may risk it all by saying that.

I actually got A's on two, count 'em, two, tonal theory assignments. Considering I started out the semester with, suffice it to say, horrible grades, I'm thrilled. I am so completely inept at that class, but it looks like the hours spent on simple assignments are starting to pay off.

I wish I could describe how much better this semester has been than the last one. Than the last 4 before it. I wish I'd reached out for help long ago. This smile is genuine and this laughter is heartfelt. I know life can and will get ugly again, but I know that this time, I can handle it. And perhaps it was always meant to happen this way, that my life would pan out so I'd regain strength and perspective at precisely the time that one of the most important people in my life needed to find strength outside herself.

This is getting too abstract, I apologize. I'm just so happy to be happy.

Spring break starts tomorrow at precisely 1:50 pm. It will begin with the picking up of a paycheck and a much needed trip for groceries.

March 18 = my 21st birthday. Holy shit, I'm exuberant!

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